Choosing Favorites
This weekend at the lake my friend asked me if I had a favorite child. A good mother would have immediately said, “No, of course not. I could never have a favorite child. I love them both the same.”
Of course I love them both the same. How can you really measure love anyway?
If you truly love someone, you don’t just love them a little bit. You love them with all your heart and soul. You love them unconditionally and as strongly as your heart is able to love. (Ok, some days I’m not as “in love” with my kids as others, but that’s normal. Right?)
I guess I hesitated with my answer a bit because I have a better relationship with one of my children than the other. It’s sad, but true.
From day one, my daughter has just been easier. She nursed. He didn’t. She wanted to cuddle. He didn’t. She gives hugs and kisses like there is no tomorrow. And he isn’t very affectionate. She has very few temper tantrums. He has them daily and with such intensity that it sometimes scares me. She has always just gone with the flow. He pretty much complains and whines about everything.
Basically, my daughter has my husband’s personality and my son has my personality. So, opposites aren’t attracting and we butt heads. A LOT.
How can I not have a ”favorite”? Again, it isn’t a love issue. It is more of who I get along with better. Is this normal? Is this wrong? Or is this just human nature?
I’d appreciate any thoughts on this that you might like to share. Ever since my friend asked me this I’ve kind of felt some anxiety about it. Pretty much like the worst mom in the world for not immediately giving the “right” answer.
I’m just too honest, I guess. And I hope you will be in the comments.
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I originally was going to write a post on my experiences with nursing because of something I read on Heather’s blog. I may still do that one day, but I ended up with this post instead. If you have a minute, head over there and send her some good thoughts (prayers if you are inclined). She is going through a tough time right now. You can read more about that here.
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15 Responses to “Choosing Favorites”
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It’s funny that your son is just like you and your daughter is like your husband. That’s EXACTLY how it is in our house.
My mom used to say, I can’t wait until you have a daughter just like you. Sorry mom, it’s not the daughter that’s just like me, it’s the son!
Thanks for the shout out. I appreciate your support. It means so much to me.
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my only experience in this comes from having three foster kids whom I claim as my own (they are new to adulthood now) and Genny. (who is mine via adoption)
For the whole of Gen with our family, it was just her. Those three kids were in idaho while we were in Michigan.
Then we move to Idaho too…
And I realized that I do have favorites, BUT what I’ve learned is the beauty of that.
Love is love. It doesn’t go away, it isn’t conditional BUT it is flexible. And so, I’ve found that they are each a favorite, in different ways. I think that it’s easier to determine when they are older. I love the four of them the same, but there is a specialty that is different with each of us. There are times (though I’d never voice it) when I feel closer and more heart like about one over the others, but it’s simply the moment and the time in our relationship, for that. Does that make sense?
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Heather–My mom used to say the SAME thing and it ended up working out that way too.
Misty–Thanks for your response. It makes perfect sense. That is pretty much how I see it too. I’m sure we will grow closer over the years and that my daughter and I will probably (most likely) butt heads when she hits puberty. Don’t all moms/daughters go through that?
I would NEVER voice it to them either, but they aren’t reading my blog. I will probably delete this post eventually so they never do read it. Actually I may delete the whole blog as they get older.
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My youngest is only 6 months old so I don’t really have a good frame of reference yet, but I think this is totally normal. I don’t think it is that you love one more than the other, it is just that one of them is easier for you to get along with right now. And like you said, when your daughter hits puberty it will be a whole different ball game. As long as you don’t treat one of your kids with constant and obvious favoritism, it isn’t an issue. In my opinion, of course.
My husband has some relatives with interesting favoritism issues…his aunt and uncle apparently decided at their oldest daughter’s birth that they weren’t going to like her. But the second daughter came along and evidently hung the moon, and they make it abundantly clear that they far prefer her. It is really sad to watch, and the differences in the girls’ personalities are obvious.
But I digress. Interesting topic, I’ll be interested to read the other comments!!
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Carrie–I appreciate your comments. I don’t think that I treat them differently accept that my son generally annoys me more than my daughter with his constant fits, so my I tend to lose my patience with him more often.
The crazy thing is that my daughter is always saying that I give my son more attention. Probably because I’m always having to deal with his behavior issues so she feels like I’m paying more attention to him.
Agghhh! Sibling rivalry. It is a constant struggle.
I think for awhile my brother was the favorite to my parents, but now I think I’m the favorite because I cause less problems for my them. Sorry, if you are reading this, Joe, but you know it is true.
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I agree that you love your kids all for different reasons. Ultimately you love them b/c they are YOURS, but deeper than that you love them for the unique little people they are. You will find bonds with each child throughout different times in your (and their) life. My “spirited” four year old used to be so hard to deal with but lately I find myself more drawn to spending alone time with him, over my two year old, b/c the two year old is just in that terrible two phase. I can’t talk to him and make any sense but I can “do” stuff and chat with my four year old. So currently my “favourite” is the oldest. But that was different a year ago, the “favourite” was the younger (now middle) son. And my new baby girl is the happiest, easiest, coolest kid ever. I don’t know what I would do without her, I don’t know if I could have coped with three small kids this long winter if she wasn’t happy and perfect all the time, KWIM? I know in some ways she will be my “favourite” at times just b/c she is so laid back, and b/c she is a girl and therefore will share certain gender bonds with me.
So don’t worry at all, your thoughts are totally normal. If people say they never have a favourite among their children, they are likely just lying
.
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Sounds exactly like my son and daughter. So I snuggle with her more and yell at him a lot. But when I’m lying in bed at night he’s the one I think most about, and worry the most about. If the opportunity comes to have one-on-one time I will almost always choose him because he absolutely thrives on it and seems to benefit from it the most. That could just be age related though.
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Ds1 came out talking & I LOVE quiet. He’s 22 now so I guess he survived.
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You are totally not crazy on this. The 4 year old is my most difficult child by far, doesn’t mean I like him less just means hes got his dad’s attitude. My older two are laid back and for the most part have been need to pleasers which makes discipline less stressful.
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I think you just need to remember what you said initially…when you love someone, you love them with your whole heart. And you love both your children.
One might be your favorite to go bowling with, or to make doll clothes with…but that doesn’t mean you have a favorite.
We don’t give exactly the same things in exactly the same measurements to each of our children. Instead we give them a homegrown mix that fits exactly what they need and want.
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Love your honesty and insight! And the funny thing about this post is, I was already wondering how I could love another grandbaby as much as the first. . .
But it does come down to personality and how you ‘get along’ with each child – not really who you love more.
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Thank you for being honest!! I see alot of similarities between us. My oldest and I butt heads alot….and I realize it is because he is just.like.me. We both always think we are right, that there is only one way to do things, etc. Today he told me “I’m right, you’re wrong, and that’s ENOUGH OF THAT!”
It was like looking into a mirror.
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My husband keeps telling me my daughter (almost 3) is just like me. Click on over and check out what a tough relationship she and I have… sometimes I feel guilty about posting so much frustration about her and comparatively few happy little moments. My son, on the other hand (1), is high maintenance but cuddly and laid back and more comfortable socially. I bought but haven’t read yet a book about deciphering who your kids are and how they need to be loved – I think it will help me love Frannie wherever she is… not that I don’t love her, but you know what I mean. I didn’t know when I started this parenting thing how hard it would be just to let them be whomever they are; it’s my daily trial, to look past our differences (similarities??) and just see their little souls glowing and be amazed.
Sorry, this comment is a little insuccinct. I’m rocking out to John Mayer and can’t concentrate.
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I got nuttin’ for you on this. I only have one child.
But, I will say this…that is one of my fears of having another child.
My grandmother gives the same “pat” answer of saying no, she doesn’t love one of her 4 kids more than the other, but she clearly favors 2 of them over the others. However, if you say this to her, she gets all pissy and denies, denies, denies.
So, I can’t help. My OPINION on this is that I think it’s ok to feel the way you do.
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Although it’s funny that your daughter is your “favorite” because she’s different from you. My son earns his title for being exactly like me in every way imaginable. “I shall call him mini me!”
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