Never Be Too Thin
There has been a lot of talk about the media’s influence on our little girls and the way they see themselves. Are the images of the super skinny models that they are bombarded with on a daily basis in magazines and tv giving our girls unrrealistic expectations?
The answer is yes, but I can’t help but wonder if this is really anything new.
When I was young I wanted to look like the girl’s from Three’s Company.
Not exactly the role models you would want your daughter to emulate but my parents really didn’t restrict my TV viewing very much.
As I got older, I actually started watching classic tv and movies. I still idolized the thin, beautiful stars and wanted to look like them.
First there was Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island:
And then I saw Gone With The Wind and wanted to have Scarlett O’Hara’s 17 inch waist:
I don’t remember as many Keira Knightleys walking around looking like skeletons when I was growing up:
Yet, I still wanted to be thin.
I remember thinking that I was too fat when I weighed 125 pounds in high school. Oh what I would give to be that weight again.
It is almost as ridiculous as Eva Longoria thinking that she needs to wear Spanx:
Lately the big controversy has been the super-scary skinny girl from the new 90210 (Jessica Stroup) who makes even Keira look curvy:
When I became a mother, I made a conscious effort to never talk about dieting or losing weight in front of my kids. I’ve always tried to point out that it is about being healthy and the most important thing is what’s on the inside.
We don’t even really use the word “fat” in our house very often. In fact, we call the cat “pleasantly plump” when everyone knows he is actually ridiculously obese.
That is why the conversation that I had with my daughter last night came as a huge shock to me:
It went something like this:
Her: I need to start working out.
Me: Why do you say that?
Her: Because I’m too heavy.
Me: What?! Why would you say that?!
Her: Well, I weigh 50 pounds and Katie only weighs 40 pounds.
Me: Are you serious? You can’t be serious.
But she was serious. She is seven years old and already worried about her weight. She’s already comparing herself to her friends. For the record, she is perfectly proportional for her height and weight and her friend is the one who really isn’t a healthy size for her age.
We had a nice little conversation about the benefits of good exercise and I stressed the fact that she is growing and did NOT need to lose weight at all.
I tried to point out how strong and healthy she was by being able to cross the monkey bars on her own and that if she lost weight she probably wouldn’t be able to do that anymore:
I tried to not make a big deal about it but inside I was crying.
I just can’t believe that she is already worrying about the number on the scale. I thought we had a few more years to go before this started.
Seriously, how did this happen?
Do I blame the media? Do I blame Hannah/Miley?
Or do I blame myself? Did I somehow unknowingly pass my own idiotic body image issues down to my daughter?
I can’t help but also wonder if this is just part of being a girl, that we are born with a gene that make us feel like we will never be ok with how we look. I’m starting to think that we are all part of the collective female consciousness that is doomed to always believe that we can be thinner, prettier, better.
What do you think? Who were your influences growing up? Do you hold them responsible for the way you see yourself now? Is this feeling of never being satisfied with ourselves nature, nurture or both?
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20 Responses to “Never Be Too Thin”
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Great post! I think you are right in that all girls seem to be doomed with bad body image – we always think we could look better, even when some of us look fine. I think you did a good job talking to her and you know you can remind her that as long as she is eating healthy and keeping active that she is doing the absolute best she can or at least should.
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I really don’t remember even thinking about my weight untill I was in high school. I don’t think it is you at all, I am pretty sure she is seeing it on TV and movies. Or her friends are bringing it up to her. I am worried for my daughter. She is only 2, but I know that day will come.
Good luck and just keep focusing on health not weight.
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This is why I’m glad I didn’t have girls. I have terrible issues with my weight (as does every female everywhere) and for me it was really the environment I grew up in (emotionally abusive) but I’m so sad even hearing about a 7 year old girl worried about her weight.
Good luck.
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This is such a sensitive topic. I have always struggled with my weight. I grew up in a family who also struggled with their weight. Our family was the epitome of all sorts of dysfunction, but the worst of these were food. i think because it was something everyone could control. I was an only child among dozens of teens and adults who talked of weight constantly. they said “I’m fat”. They screamed at each other, hurling insults like “you are too fat.”
When referencing a “I ran into so and so at the store, I hadn’t seen here in years”, this was NEVER spoken without adding “She’s seriously the size of a baby elephant.” or “God has she put on the weight.”.
When I went into foster care (at 12, a full fledged bulimic) I began to see this in them. It was normal for me, before.
I have still, always struggled with my weight. Parts of it stem from habits. Parts of it stem from health and illness. Even still, my family is stuck hurling abuses and ugliness at others, about their body size. It makes me so sad.
With Genny, we talk of nothing. Around Genny, we talk of nothing about this. When my mom visits, and she begins to refer to others by body size (because i suspect my family sees nothing else when it comes to a person) I firmly tell her to stop.
Once my aunt said Genny was going to be fat.
Once my grandmother, before she died, said “genny is a chunky heavy little thing, isn’t she?” Her waste has always been two sizes smaller than the length of her pants.
When My husband and I married, my uncle exclaimed (AT MY WEDDING) “Good God, she’s put on 200 pounds since I saw her at Thanksgiving.”
It was 5 months later…
I weighed 159. I had gained less than 10 lbs.
If I had to fear any struggle for genny, this would be it…
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When I was little my mom never let me play with Barbies, she said they were gross and an “unrealistic reprentation of women” and she never wanted me to look fake like that. I always rolled my eyes and thought she was “so lame.” But I will always remember her saying that and I’m so glad she did. Fromthe time I was little she made me very aware of the media and where it was wrong.
My dad was great at always making me feel good about myself. He told me I was smart and beautiful and that he was so proud of me. He told me that at least weekly for as long as I can remember. He always gave me hugs and told me he loved me. Sometimes when I felt bad about myself–when the boys I liked didn’t like me, it was so nice to hear him say nice things.
They did a very good job at helping me with my identity and confidence. I’d love to loose 10 lbs, but I’m fine as I am. And I know feeling good is better than looking perfect.
I have sons and I hope to help them see that nice girls–pretty on the inside–healthy on the outside, is who they should spend their time with and take to prom.
Best of luck, you are fighting a hard battle!
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Wow. Personally, I blame Barbie for my body issues.
And I think our society has some warped views of what is beautiful. Even though I feel like I do a pretty good job filtering that stuff for my kid, I think it isn’t hard for them to figure out that skinny=pretty. :-/
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I’m really not a good person to judge this topic. I had an eating disorder in high school and it took me a LONG time to deal with it. I still have weight issues and worries and it is a Daily struggle with me.
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Coming from the guy perspective, there’s a big segment of the guy population that finds Keria Knightley and her ilk atrocious looking, prefer Bridget Jones and grew up thinking Carnie was the cute member of Wilson Phillips.
As a dad to two girls, we’re tackling the issue by pointing out “healthy” role models where we can, but the reality is that TV and their friends will do more damage than we can. We can limit the TV for a few more years, but there’s always going to be that one kid who gets under their skin and wheedles away at their self-esteem. Looking forward to that.
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I had different issues growing up, being very skinny naturally. I always felt like a freak and got picked on for it.
My other issues had more to do with being dark complected, with dark hair and eyes. Everyone made it very clear to me that only girls with light skin, blond hair and blue eyes were pretty. It gave me such a complex that I had a very difficult time even being friendly with blond girls.
I was immensely saddened recently when Brad told me that Jessamine asked him why she couldn’t have blue eyes like him. I’ve been very careful about making sure she had dolls that looked like her and talking about how pretty they are. So now I’m trying to go out of my way to tell her how lucky she is to have pretty dark eyes like mommy.
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I am lucky because I have a husband who says how disgusting those super thin super models are…but maybe he’s just trying to make me feel better? It’s hard not to want to be ‘perfect’ but it seems as women we are never happy….just need to take off a little around the tummy, then just need to take a little off of the bottom, etc. I try to tell my daughter how gorgeous she is always, but she’s only 4 and I know that day will come when her friends are talking…ugh.
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i don’t think we can really blame anyone. weight and size just becomes embedded in everyone no matter what. it rests on us to teach our kids that it’s okay to be how we are and embrace our bodies. hopefully your daughter will get that
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Don’t worry too much – the awareness is happening at much younger ages but there are certainly things you can do from here on in to make her feel good about herself the way she is. Talk to her openly about weight issues and the portrayal of thinness in the media – the more open you talk about it over the coming years, the better things will be, I promise.
Keep boosting her self-esteem and tell her to love her body the way it is – and make sure she sees that her mommy is doing the same thing
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That is so sad that your daughter feels that way already! Sadly I think it is so ingrained in womens minds, life, world that there is no way to avoid it. Ugh as sad as that is. My heart would break too if my daughter tells me that she is too heavy
luckily she is only one….I have a few years to brace for it!
I remember being in grade 1 and feeling fat and getting made fun of by boys
I lived in a po dunk town, my mom never worried about weight/talked about weight. I barely watched tv yet there I was grade one worrying about what i looked like. It’s an issue that breaks my heart. Yet I have dealt with it my whole life and still deal with it on a daily basis. I had an eating disorder at age 20-23. Such a waste of my life at that time! I struggle daily but am truly happy with who I am but I will always want to be a skinny girl!
I hope your daughter knows she is beautiful and healthy and strong…she is so sweet!!! Tell her she rocks for being able to cross the monkey bars…I cant do that!
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I don’t consciously blame the media for my issues. Or Barbie. Maybe it’s a subconscious thing. I don’t know. My hero was Wonder Woman and she had some curves to her, right?
So far, at age 7 my daughter’s attitude is healthy. When I was really heavy she was part of my motivation to change. At age 5 she told me that I didn’t look Human anymore. So she’s experienced my change, but since I believe my change is healthy (adding more physical exercise) I think it should have a positive influence. At least, I hope.
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Wow. I’m terrified of this when I have kids. I’ve had lots of struggles with my weight and confidence and yo-yoing for years and I really don’t want to impart that on my kids. I’m sure it’s mostly from school, not you. I remember being in elementary school and feeling fat because I was on steroids for allergies and there were all these teensy tiny girls in my class. Come on, I was like 10. I didn’t need to understand that yet. So it only makes sense that kids today understand it. I think the celebrities are ridiculous. They’ve crossed the point of looking good. They look good draped in fabric because they are practically hangers for designers to drape their garments over. But as soon as you can see any part of their bodies it hits you “these people look sick, like they are dying” and it’s true. When you can see the ligaments and bones it makes something in you twinge because your survival instinct starts to kick in.
And you can tell your daughter she rocks because I’m 24 and I can run 5 miles and do almost the whole first series of yoga, but I cannot cross the monkey bars to save my life!
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I think it’s a societal thing. Even if we don’t talk about diet and weight at home, other families do. Your children are exposed to it through their friends, through TV, magazines — any number of a dozen ways. It’s unavoidable. Unless you keep them in a locked closet.
I think you handled it well — it had to be so upsetting to hear your daughter talk like that. All you can do is keep being a good role model for her and to keep the conversation open. But, it’s certainly disturbing. I’m dreading when I will hear something similar from my daughter.
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I was just reading about this in the newspaper they were saying that the average 8 year old girl can tell you the names of 8 different diets.
The world has officially gone crazy.
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I have horrible body issues but I try not to moan about it too much since I know I’m in control. I can either eat super healthy and exercise daily or not. I think it’s hard being a female. Looks do matter in our society (sadly) and it’s hard not to compare ourselves with other people. But you handled it perfectly by focusing on health.
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Catching up from being on vacation at Disney…. We all know my thoughts on this subject… I’ve blogged about it before. The media sucks, any one in tv/film sucks… I hate them all. One thing I have learned is that we can’t control the external (what friends say) but, we can control what goes on in our house (I show her Miley/Hannah and show her she looks like a skeleton and she’s probably hungry all the time… who would want to feel that way???) While we’re on the subject…. Emily Osment’s grandparents go to our church. Her mom grew up here. She comes to Mass while visiting them. I have to say she looks like a NORMAL teenager, she looks like all the other kids her age… why can’t she be the poster girl for Disney Channel??? Is it that she’s not THIN enough???? Just wondering….
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I have 3 boys so I don’t feel like they have quite the pressure that girls do. I also think it’s a little more natural for boys to be physically active. It’s how they play. But I used to cringe when my friend just let her kids walk around with the whole box of cheez-its instead of sitting them down with a small bowl. I have always taught my kids about reasonable food portions. I don’t let them sit with a whole box or bag of junk food. Again, they are boys and their sports are cross country, basketball and baseball so sometimes they actually feel pressure to be bigger.
Your attitude about this issue sounds extremely healthy. Keep looking for “healthy” role models for your daughter. Hopefull there are lots of them in your everyday life, first and foremost, YOU.
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