The Old Boyfriend Manual
A couple of incidents have occurred recently that have made me realize that there is a real need for a guidebook (a set of rules, if you will) on proper old boyfriend etiquette.
While I’d love to be the author of such a book (of course appearing on Oprah as an expert in the field isn’t out of the question either), the simple fact of the matter is I’m not very good about following through on long-term projects. I’ll just take the easy way out and post a blog on the subject with a few of the ideas I already had rolling around in my head.
Note to my 3, possibly 4, male readers: Just replace ex-boyfriend with ex-girlfriend and the rules are completely applicable to you as well.
Rule #1: Don’t drunk dial old boyfriends. Ever.
You may be out drinking with friends and think it would be hilarious to call your ex-boyfriend. You may think it would be a good idea to tell him what a great kisser he was. What you may fail to comprehend in your drunken stupor is that his wife is sitting right next to him and will NEVER appreciate the “hilarity” of the situation.
How do I know this to be true? My husband was the recipient of a drunk dial about a month ago. Let me just tell you–I had a few choice words for the dialer that I made sure were said loud enough so that she could hear me on the other end. There has not been any other calls since.
Rule #2: Drunk-texting the old boyfriend is strictly off-limits.
I went out with a couple of girlfriends this past weekend. We ran into an old friend who happens to keep in touch with an ex-boyfriend of one of the girls. She asked him for his number so she could send him a friendly text message.
This is not the behavior of a sober person. A sober person realizes that there is nothing positive to come from this situation. An ex is an ex for a reason. I tried to stop her, but there was no point. She was a woman on a mission. A woman who obviously had WAY TOO MUCH WINE.
While it was funny, I just kept hoping and praying that there was no wife or girlfriend sitting on the couch next to him when he got the text. Luckily, and not surprisingly, he was alone.
Sidenote: This friend (drunk texter extraordinaire) told me that she thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with Ryan Gosling. Well, duh. The most ironic part of the story is that she doesn’t even know about this blog. I can’t even imagine what she’d say then.
Rule #3: Don’t stalk old boyfriends on facebook (Or as I like to call it oldboyfriendbook).
You may be dying to know what they look like now. You may be secretly hoping they are bald and fat or have ugly kids. Or you may really want to just say hi and find out what they’ve been up to since the two of you split.
You may even go out of your way to hunt them down, using tactics that would put the fbi to shame in order to find their current email address. Just please, whatever you do, delete your history off your browser. Seeing 5,478 searches for Fatty McBalderson’s email address in the search history is surely not going to make the current love of your life very happy. This may sound sneaky and dishonest, but it really is the cardinal rule of old boyfriend stalking.
Although this has never happened to me personally, I do have personal experience with being “caught”. Back in the ye old days before social networking, I sent my ex boyfriend a Christmas card. He was more of an old friend than a boyfriend so I just wanted to wish him well for the holidays. The only problem was that I forgot to add a stamp to the envelope so it got returned to sender. You know where this story is going. My husband found the card (which was totally innocent, by the way) and he was not at all pleased.
That was the last time I tried to network with my ex. I’m not going to tell you that I don’t think of him sometimes and wonder how he is doing. I hope he is doing well, still has plenty of hair and cute kids. If our paths happen to cross, then that is when we’ll do our catching up. Until then, I hope that my friends read this guidebook and take away all dialing, texting and stalking privileges from me.
Do you keep in touch with your old boyfriends? Does your significant other mind? Would you mind if you knew your spouse/boyfriend was trying to network with an ex? Have you ever broken one of my three rules? Confess your sins now.
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17 Responses to “The Old Boyfriend Manual”
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I did find an ex on myspace, but his profile was private, dangit!
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hahahaha…this is too funny. I do have a couple guys I dated in high school (way back when) that are my friends on facebook, but I’m friends with their wives too so I don’t think that counts.
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Thankfully I haven’t broken any cardinal boyfriend sins. Although curious how their doing..meh it’s totally not worth it.
I have drunk dialed an old friend from high school who refused to attend our 10 year reunion and wanted to totally forget about her high school existance. I drunk dialed her at the reunion and left a long drawn drunk message. I can’t even imagine what exactly I said. I’m sure it sounded like a bunch of crazy rambling.
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PRUDE ALERT! PRUDE ALERT! PRUDE ALERT! PRUDE ALERT!
I only had 1 boyfriend before my husband.
I found him on a social network the day after Christmas and e-mailed instantly- “hope you enjoyed your holiday, glad to know your well .”
I regretted it instantly, and just as I was looking for a rock to crawl under he emailed me back. He sent me their Christmas card photo and it was FANTASTIC!
- Not fat, but not skinny, jiggly
- almost bald
-married the girl after me aka B.O
-cute kids
-Masters in Art, so he probably works at Kinkos
-and he admitted that he had been looking for me for a while, which was the icing on the cake.
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I have learned my lesson about the search history! But I don’t think I’ll be looking anymore, because he obviously doesn’t believe in social networking online. Like you, I’ll just have to wait until that day that I finally run into him to catch up. And I WILL run into him; I’ll make sure of that. LOL.
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I used to when I was still in my early twenties, but it was mostly sending a Christmas card to both him and his wife. They sent me one in return. It wasn’t a big deal cause it was once a year.
However, my ex kept in daily touch with 2 of his exes. Yeah, that’s why he’s my ex. ’nuff said.
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I drunk dialed my ex this summer.
So stupid.
I was home for my high school reunion hanging with a bunch of our old friends, he wasn’t there, and I did it on a dare.
How old AM I?
He didn’t answer, thank goodness.
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Oh. My. Heck! This is GREAT! One of my friends was just contacted by an ex on Facebook last night. I just emailed her this link… Bwahahahaha!!!!
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I havent done none of this, but with facebook an ex added me as friend and I accepted… we chatted sometimes via msn and he wanted to see me and have coffee nah! I said I was going to think of it… but that is so not going to happen ever… my hubby would kill me and I dont think thats appropiate either.
But my hubby ex is still insane about him she is friend with his brother, so what can I do? he knows that I almost hate her so… but since he doesnt think she is worth it Im not worried…THANK GOD
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I have googled a couple, and I had one as a friend on facebook, but then he deleted his account. We had been good friends for a long time after our break up, and my husband met and hung out with him a number of times. The only bad thing was he was my first true love, so every once in a blue moon I would think to myself . . . “what if I’d ended up with him . . . “. We don’t have contact anymore, it’s probably for the best.
BTW, I’ve had problems with your site for the past week or two – it was freezing up my computer and then crashing. For days I couldn’t even get anything when I clicked on your blog link . . . but it seems to be better in the last day or two so I can get my mish mash fix in again. Whew.
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Loved this post. I can’t say I’ve done any of these things and I don’t think hubby has either. Does it count if you ex is your husbands friend???? He was in our wedding, and hubby in ex’s wedding, we send Christmas cards every year and have sent baby gifts. How do you describe that????
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Well Jenn, you know my story! Hahaha..but thankfully, I don’t drink so drunk-dialing or texting is not a problem..but ah..the Facebook thing? Guilty!! He’s on Friendster though so from time to time (I make sure it’s within the space of 2 months or more) I’ll check his Friendster profile..I’ve since kicked the habit though, YAY!!
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Friendster? Never heard of that one…I’m off to look right now!
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Yeah, yeah. Jennyonthespot called me out. Your blog is very helpful. I was contacted recently by a former fling (not an actual ‘ex’) on Facebook. No biggie. I’m pretending to be a grown up about it, although it did give me the giggles. Now two actual exboys are sitting in the “people you might know” category, and for now I will just leave them there. Might know….yeah… just a BIT! But they know I’m there, and I know they are there, and we are not be-friendin’ yet so I’ll keep it that way.
Drunk texting? Totally guilty. Drunk calling? Plenty of that too. Such a lush.
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I’m always very careful not to contact exes. I had one message me on myspace and it was just weird (he hadn’t changed at all!). In fact, one of my friends from high school married my first serious boyfriend and I’m friends with her on facebook but not with him because it would just be too darn weird! I have been tempted to silently stalk though!
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I am laughing SO HARD.
I just joined Facebook.
And after finding my friends….what’s the very next thing I do?
Yep.
And guess what I discover?
He literally lives 10 minutes away from me with his new wife and two kids.
Shoot me now.
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I caught my husband’s ex leaving messages on classmates.com. She knows he’s married now and after 20 years you would think she’d get the hint. But she didn’t. She even had the audacity to suggest they meet up again (when HER husband was out of town).
So I got changed his password, owned the account myself and promptly put up a bio only the Pope would love, replete with how much he loves his wife, adding a pic to prove it and how he can’t wait to go to church on Sundays.
And if that didn’t do it, I said he drove an Soccer mom SUV.
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