The Scarlet Pumpkin
One of the hardest things about parenting is finding the balance between protecting our kids without smothering them and teaching them the ways of the world with out scaring them too much in the process.
My daughter went to her first sleepover this past weekend. It was actually the first time that she has stayed overnight at someone other than a relative’s house before. As much as we trust the little girl’s family, there was still a bit of apprehension over her being away from home. All night. In someone else’s house. Without us.
I’m not usually a worrier, but I couldn’t help but make up scenarios in my mind that were very unsettling.
It probably goes back to a childhood memory that I had at my first sleepover. It was at our next-door neighbor’s house. The girl’s dad asked me to sit on his lap and started whispering things in my ear, telling me how pretty I was and how I was his favorite.
Ugh. I can still remember how creeped out I felt. Even though I was only 7 or 8 years old, I knew that this man was crossing a boundary that shouldn’t be crossed.
Luckily, that was as far as it went, but I have no doubt that if given the opportunity that this man would have done other things.
(Oh and did I mention that the creep worked at a toy store. I’m sure that wasn’t on purpose or anything. Yeah, right.)
The point of the story is that I didn’t say anything to my parents about it even though it made me feel very uncomfortable. I actually just told my mom about it the other day and she was horrified.
I began to wonder about my own kids. Have I kept the lines of communications about this sort of thing open enough? Would they feel comfortable talking to me or their dad about this sort of thing? How well do we really know this family?
By the time the day of the sleepover arrived, I knew that the only thing that was going to make me feel better was to have a talk with her about some important things.
We’ve had this talk before, so it was more of a refresher course and as much as I know how important it is to have this conversation with both kids, it is still not an easy topic to discuss. I feel like I’m taking away a part of their innocence by bringing this up. I wish that I didn’t even have to put these ideas in their heads. I wish they didn’t have to know that there are people in the world who do things to hurt children.
Even though I tried my best to keep the conversation light, I could still see the fear in my daughter’s eyes and that made me feel so sad. I felt like I said too much but at the same time I felt like I didn’t say enough. I just wish I could find the perfect words that could protect them from this ever happening.
Unfortunately, there are no guarantees. No matter what we do to try to protect our kids, things can still happen and that is the sad truth.
While we are on this topic, take a look at this sign:
In Maryland convicted violent and child-sex offenders will be required to display one of these signs on their front door on Halloween or they will face a parole violation. In addition to posting the sign, they have been instructed to stay at home, turn off outside lights and not answer the door.
Some are applauding the efforts to keep children safe while others are calling it the Scarlet Letter of sex offenders and possibly a violation of Constitutional rights.
I have mixed feelings about the signs.
Of course my first and most important priority is to protect my children. I want them to be safe at all costs and if the pumpkin signs would prevent even one child from becoming a victim then I guess it is worth it.
However, there is just a part of me that doesn’t feel right about the signs. While I’m not trying to defend or take sides with a sex offender, I do think this is a bit cruel to those who are really trying to change and do better. Couldn’t they just be required to do the whole turn of the lights and not answer the door part.
Should we require convicted drug addicts/dealers to display a similar sign? What about people who have been convicted of any violent crime? Aren’t they a danger as well? Where does it end?
What do you think? Are the signs a great idea or taking it too far? Do you have any good advice/books to recommend that you use for talking to kids about this subject?
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18 Responses to “The Scarlet Pumpkin”
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I agree that the sign part maybe takes it too far. Simply turning off you light and not answering the door to trick or treaters aught to be enough. But then again, I might feel differently if I’d had something like that happen to me or mine… I don’t know.
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The cost of freedom is that sometimes people get hurt and that includes children.
The more we allow things like this to be acceptable, the more government will feel they can do. It should be enough that neigbors know if someone is a sex offender.
having said that, if i had children I’d probably never let them out of the house!!
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i think neighbors should be aware of who the sex offenders are, but it’s important to know what that means exactly. a friend of ours is branded a sex offender for life because he had consensual sex with his 16 year old girlfriend when he was 18. sex offender doesn’t always mean child rapist.
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Yes, the signs might be a bit much, but I don’t have any other ideas on how to address the situation. It must be hard for these guys to try to rehabilitate themselves and reintegrate into society – BUT at the same time, if there was one living on my street I’d be livid and terrified for my own children.
See? I’m no help!! I can’t suggest any books b/c I have not been down this road yet – just the basics with our 3 and 4 year olds of “don’t let strangers ever touch you in your private areas”. Poor you and the sleepover when you were younger – that is awful to have to go through, and to have to deal with the memories of it on the night YOUR daughter is out at a sleepover.
But what a great mom you are for even thinking of and discussing this stuff. That says a lot, absolutely.
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A few things (and I know this will be long, sorry!) …
First – kiddo is 6 and just started cub scouts this year. Part of the requirements for joining is that the parents have to talk about lots of “touchy” subjects with their boy. The scouting book gives LOTS of examples and conversation helps. I told hubby that he had to have this discussion with kiddo but that I would be right there to support him. I didn’t make hubby do this b/c I was scared to do it. No, unfortunately hubby has lots of experience to bring to this conversation; hubby was sexually abused by a teacher over an extended period of time. Although the teacher did end up in jail many years later, hubby still deals with the reality of what happened on a regular basis. So I knew that he would be able to figure out the right blend of seriousness that would get kiddo to pay close attention yet not scare him to death. The conversation went well, but I had to keep blinking and wiping my eyes so I wouldn’t burst into tears. It completely killed me that we had to be having this conversation w/ our precious kiddo. But I’m glad we did it. And we will be doing it again as a reminder.
Second, I totally disagree with the signs. Like Memarie Lane said, you never know what the crime was! We have a neighbor who was convicted of the same time that Memarie mentioned. I always understood that if they light was off, you didn’t go ask for candy from that house. Just enforce the “staying home with the lights off” rule and I’ll be happy.
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Whoa? The signs ARE awful. The problem behind the reason is MUCH worse of course, but still?
Yuck about your experience.
I know sooooo many families that JUST do not allow sleepovers EVER, due to ACTUAL problems in their own families…yikes.
My oldest really only had her first sleepover too. Makes me sad that I have to stress about it.
Carissa @mommygossip-gno
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Feeling Safe, Feeling Happy is a good book (but old) to read to children. It’s written for them, covers a variety of ‘topics’ and we had the kids ‘practice’ with us yelling NO.
I don’t agree with the signs for many reasons. If they’re going to do that, they should make every person who has been convicted of any crime at all display the sign. It just doesn’t make sense.
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Where I live sex offenders have to be registered. If they move in your neighborhood, you are notified through the mail with the address and a picture. As parents, we would know which houses to avoid. I think if they are registered there would be no reason to have them put out the signs. I would hope that most people try to learn from mistakes and better themselves. With that said, it’s still our responsibility as parents to keep our kids as safe as possible. This coming from the mom whose family attends a Halloween party every year… kids go out in a huge group with a few dads and moms. I usually hang out at the house with my friends, hand out candy and drink beer!!! Love Halloween!!!
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I’m so happy to see that everyone else seems to agree that those signs are a bit much. Of course I would never ever want to risk something happening to my child, but the sad fact is that if someone is going to do something like that, there is very little that can be done to stop them from finding a way to do it. Putting up a sign certainly wouldn’t be enough. I appreciate that they are trying to keep children safe, but at what cost? I agree that simply requiring offenders to register and not answer the door should be enough.
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I think the signs are a tad too much, especially if the level of conviction was something that you or I wouldn’t ordinarily consider a direct threat to our children…underage sex and things like that. The underlying sexual predator laws need to be amended so that we aren’t inadvertently discriminating against something. Having said that, it’s my job as a parent to be informed of who is on the sexual offender registry in my area and make sure my kids steer clear of those homes. And if that means trick or treating with them until they’re 30, so be it!
Great post Jen! I think this topic could do with a little more exposure.
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I actually work with adult sex offenders at my job everyday. They’re actually mentally handicapped sex offenders, which changes the situation a little bit, but after working there for two years, I’ve come to know that there are two very different kind of offenders. One just got mixed up, the right circumstances led to an unfortunate opportunity. The other is a constant predator that will, if given the chance, offend every time they have the chance. While it’s sad that these signs are a necessary evil, they’re just that: necessary. It’s sad for the people who have progressed passed those incidences, but they must live with the consequences in order to keep people safe. People are arguing the effectiveness of these signs, but what if it stops one little boy or girl from being molested this Halloween? If it were your child that got the free pass on this one, I’m sure you’d support those signs.
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I actually work with adult sex offenders at my job everyday. They’re actually mentally handicapped sex offenders, which changes the situation a little bit, but after working there for two years, I’ve come to know that there are two very different kind of offenders. One just got mixed up, the right circumstances led to an unfortunate opportunity, a one time mistake that can’t be fixed. The other is a constant predator that will, if given the chance, offend every time they have the chance. While it’s sad that these signs are a necessary evil, they’re just that: necessary. It’s sad for the people who have progressed passed those incidences, but they must live with the consequences in order to keep people safe. People are arguing the effectiveness of these signs, but what if it stops one little boy or girl from being molested this Halloween? If it were your child that got the free pass on this one, I’m sure you’d support those signs.
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In my area one town is actually doing something a little different. They are having a required meeting for sex offenders Friday night.
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I suppose it’s a cultural thing, but sleep overs never made sense to my parents.
“You’re going to sleep in a bag on their floor?”
“You have a bed!” “We bought you a bed!” Now that I’m older I’m kind of glad they never let me go, not that I distrust my friends parents, but I’m pretty sure it would’ve been uncomfortable for me,
As for the signs, I really don’t know how I feel, but at least they look festive.
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[...] The Scarlet Pumpkin [...]
This subject is really important. As a parent, my child should have no fear of being molested or whatever on Halloween. One or the other of us should BE WITH THEM AT ALL TIMES! It’s those other times we aren’t with them that they are more likely to be easy prey – such as at sleepovers or even at church or at scouts! It’s unfortunate that this ugly sin even exists, and while I appreciate the efforts of the authorities to enforce the ’scarlet pumpkin’ regulation, I think it’s a bit much. Many registered sex offenders are there because of unfortunate circumstances, not necessarily violent predatory rape of small children. It’s not a one size fits all fix.
Kudos to you for having a difficult talk with your child! You’re a good momma!!
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Ugh. These are the things that terrify me about being a parent. My son is 6, so I have tried to discuss things with him in the most generic of terms. You know, no one should see him without clothes on except for us and his grandparents/other close relatives, that sort of thing. It is hard, though, not knowing how far to take it. I shudder to think about having a similar discussion with my daughter someday.
ICK about your childhood experience. I’m sorry to hear that something so creepy happened to you.
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Dorsey–that is interesting about the mandatory meeting. I like that idea!
After reading everyone’s comments, I still think the signs go a bit overboard. I agree with everyone who said that something needs to be done to reflect true pedophiles from those who have consensual sex with their underage boyfriend/girlfriend. That is a totally different story and there should be definitely clarification.
For those that feel sorry for me for my “creepy neighbor” experience, please don’t. It was awkward and definitely inappropriate, but it wasn’t what some kids have had to deal with and are still dealing with as adults. I guess I was just trying to say that it doesn’t take Halloween to bring out the creeps. They can turn up on any night of the week and when you are least expecting it. It is usually the people you trust most (teachers, camp counselors, family members, priests) and not the guy giving out candy to trick or treaters.
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