Why I’m Going To Hell Part 2
If you missed Part One of Why I’m Probably Going To Hell, click here.
The other morning I got a knock on my door. I looked through the peephole to see who it was. I always like to just double check to make sure that the person knocking isn’t a homicidal maniac before I open the door. They were carrying bibles, so I figured I was safe.*
*Note to homicidal maniacs–Carry bibles. Idiots like me are sure to open the door for you.
This may sound weird, but it never bothers me when the Jehovah’s Witnesses stop by. I figure if they are going through all this effort to try to teach others about God then I should take a few minutes out of my busy (hahahahaha) schedule to listen to what they have to say.
I also appreciate the fact that they are bringing church to me, rather than me having to go there. I’m all for convenience, even with religion. Since I’m usually too busy on Saturdays and too lazy on Sundays to go, I can totally appreciate this effort. It is like pizza delivery, but instead of pizza it is God.
The other reason I decided to open the door was because I was pretty bored that morning. I figured the Jehovah’s might spice things up a bit. It couldn’t hurt, right?
So I opened the door and listened to their bible verse. I politely refused their little booklet because I told them that “I was secure in my Catholic faith.”
(This is not really totally true, but I felt bad taking their booklet because I knew I probably wouldn’t ever get around to reading it. It would lay around the house haunting me for days, weeks, and possibly even months until one day I just can’t take anymore and I get annoyed enough to throw it out. Of course, then I will just feel totally guilty for even considering to throw away God and I’ll keep it for a few more weeks. Finally, I’ll cave and it will make its way to the recycling bin, but I think you can see why I refused the booklet.)
Well, you should have seen the horrified look on their faces when I said the word ”Catholic”. I swear they looked at me like I was the satan’s spawn. They even read me another bible verse and gave me a pop quiz at the end.
There was only one question on the quiz. The question was: What is God’s name?
Um, God?
This was clearly the wrong answer because they felt the need to whip out Bible verse #3 to teach me God’s real name. (It is Jehovah-who knew?)
See, this is exactly why I opened the door. You learn something new everyday.
It was now my turn to give them a pop quiz. I asked them the burning question. The one on everyone’s minds. One of life’s greatest mysteries.
Why don’t Jehovah’s Witnesses celebrate birthdays?
I know I’m not the only person who wondered that. Well, they told me the reason was that birthdays are not in the bible and they try to follow the bible as law. They also brought up those pesky Pagans. Supposedly they are to blame as well. I think they get blamed for a lot of things, but that’s just me.
That was about it. We said our goodbyes and they went on their merry little way.
An hour or so later I was in the bathroom and I noticed something in the mirror that made me do a double take.
I realized that I still hadn’t put on my bra. So, I was braless when the Jehovah’s Witness were here. And it was chilly out. Double whammy!
I started freaking out a little, but then I just cracked up at the whole situation. I rationalized that the JW’s would be totally fine with it because how many times are bras mentioned in the bible anyway?
Regardless, I think I’ll try to double check to make sure that I’m wearing a bra before I open the door from now on.
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18 Responses to “Why I’m Going To Hell Part 2”
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Well m’dear, I doubt you’re going to hell over something like this, however, just in case, I will save you a nice cushy seat, because let me tell you, I’ve had my own TABLE and SUITE reserved down there for ages!
When the JW’s come around (and oddly enough, I find them, as well as the Mormon missionaries making the sign of the cross when they pass my house nowdays) I told them I would read their Bible, if they’d read mine…Mine just happened to be a faux copy of Anton LeVay’s Satanic Bible. It was really just an empty shell that someone gave us as a gag gift years ago, but I’ve kept it around for those occasions when words won’t do, but actions will.
I never knew little old ladies carrying full bags of religious tracts could run quite so fast.
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Since you’re Catholic, just go to confession about the whole thing!!! My friend Beth never wears and bra, just let’s her’s hand and she’s one of the holiest people I know!!! You’ll be fine!!
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My mother used to invite the little Jehovan’s Witness lady in and then turn the tables on her to try and make her a Methodist. I think they just agreed to disagree.
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hahahahaha. I think this gave me enough religion for my Sunday. Keep those JW’s a comin.
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That’s funny. Cute post.
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Oh yes, we Catholics have become quite unpopular. Last Ash Wednesday I had the presence of mind to carry baby wipes in my purse, so I could wipe the evidence on the spot!
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Seems like our neighborhood suddenly became the J.Wit hotbed once I had my most recent daughter. Frustrated with them ringing the doorbell as I had just put baby down for a nap (her room is on the other side of the front walkway and the doorbell always woke her up), I painted a little sign and put it right by the doorbell, saying “Shhhh- baby sleeping, do not ring doorbell! No solicitors!” One day, the doorbell rang anyway. As I opened the door, they were greeted with a sleep-deprived (and probably braless -yeah sister!) Mommy, as well as the unpleasant sounds of a newborn being jolted out of her nap.
They asked if it was a bad time. I humored them for a minute. When they asked if I would read their material, I said, “Why don’t you go ahead and leave it right by that sign RIGHT THERE. When you read what I have for you, then I’ll return the favor.”
The look on their faces was pricesless. And I’ve never been bothered by them again.
Basically, just wanted to tell you that your post made me giggle… sorry for rambling on with my story!
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That was a great post!
My brother loves to “mess” with the JWs when they’d come to visit. He’s got great stories, and yours reminded me of them
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I never knew the JW’s did not celebrate their birthday! You really do learn something new everyday.
My hubs also loves to mess with the Mormons and the JW’s. He will talk religon with them for hours and even invite them back. I think he does it purposely to drive me crazy.
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Jen, you are the cat’s pajamas.
I don’t think chocolate’s in the Bible either. I am going straight to the ninth circle.
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BTW God has many names in the Bible, but the main uber-name is actually Yahweh. Jews consider this name so sacred that they will not say or write it.
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One time, I was nursing my baby girl, when the mailman knocked on the door. I just got up to answer it without thinking, teats exposed and everything. Quite embarrassing!
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I think that the surprised look on their faces wasn’t because of the term “catholic” I am pretty sure it coincided with the brisk breeze that whipped across the front of your body just as they noticed you were bra-less!!! hahahah! Funny story!
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This is one of the funniest blogs ever. Ever.
Don’t tell anyone, but once upon a time I was a clean-cut doorknocker for the Mormons…
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Apparently, however, cheating on AND abusing your wife all while completely controlling your family negatively while you lay drunk on the couch- is completely biblical.
I mean, maybe not all JW’s practice this theology but it the town I grew up in, it’s like the creed.
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I always open the door for JW also but it’s kind of the same reason that I almost never hang up on a telemarketer. My conscience knows they are PEOPLE who have good days and bad days and I just cannot be rude. I practically give them cookies. Practically.
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BTW here are a couple of little factoids about Mormons and JW’s for you that you might find useful when they come knocking.
1. They either tear out or scribble over the entire book of Song of Solomon. They think it’s obscene. According to the last chapter of Revelation, this is sacrilegious desecration. The JW’s also carry their own special version of the Bible with verses removed that don’t agree with them. I used to have them all written down, don’t know what happened to it.
2. If you’re mean to JW’s, they really appreciate it. They consider it being “persecuted for His name’s sake,” and think it gets them one step closer to being one of the special 144,000. So if you really want to make a JW happy, turn the hose on them.
3. Mormon missionaries have a certain number of service hours they have to fill each week. When they ask if there’s anything they can do for you, they really mean it. If you ask them to weed your yard or wash your car they’ll do it happily. Just give them some lemonade and cookies or something, they can’t take money for it.
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funny story, and by the way you are not going to hell because of JW´s … I feel sorry for them (my granda is one of them) but they live in a big fat lie. So seriously dont feel bad for rejecting them, just try dont reject God. And besides the bday thing they dont celebrate new years, national hollidays and stuff like that
reader from the USOG!
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