13 Celebrities That I Would Send To Jail
One of the first things President Obama did when he got into office was to sign an order to close Guantanamo Bay within the next year. It was a bold move that was criticized by some and cheered by others.
It kind of seems like a waste of a good jail to me, but what do I know.
Of course, I’m kidding. I rarely never believe in torturing people and if there is evidence of that happening here then it sounds like the President made the right decision.
I was thinking of what could be done with the facility and I had the idea of turning it into a Rehabilitation Center for Celebrities Gone Wrong. There are plenty of them out there making the news and irritating me every day.
After careful consideration, I would like to arrest the following:
1. Lisa Rinna-For this Oscar atrocity, I’m putting you in my jail and throwing away the key. Life sentence.
(I am also very suspicious that you have weapons of mass destruction hiding in those lips so you will be watched closely by heavily armed guards at all times. Don’t even think of trying to plan your escape.)
2. Kellie Pickler-It seems as though you are going down the same slippery slope as Ms. Rinna. You are such a cute girl, but the madness has to stop. I’m arresting you so that you will stop it and stop it right now.
3. Chris Brown- You know why you need to be there, and I’m sorry but anger management classes just aren’t going to cut it.
4. Brangelina- You snubbed Ryan Seacrest on the Oscar Red Carpet because you think you are better than everyone else. Your sentence is 3 months but I may let Brad off for good behavior if he shaves that awful thing he has growing on his face.
5. Natalie Portman- First I hear a rumor that you are dating my Ryan Gosling. As you may recall, I was totally fine with that. Then I hear that you are canoodling with Robert Pattinson at the Oscars. Um, ok? What happened to Ryan? Was he not good enough for you? Now, only days later, I find out that you are being linked to yet another hottie (Rodrigo Santoro- Karl from Love Actually).
Look, I don’t blame you. I’d be doing the same thing if I looked like you. But you have to admit this is getting a bit out of hand. Six month sentence-trust me, it is for your own good.
6. Kristen Stewart and her dad- I just read that your dad said you refused to present at the Oscars because you will only present “when it’s a great movie, not just one that makes a lot of money.”
Who in the hell do you think you are? Look, I had my own problems with Twilight but you are the lead actress in the movie and you have three more movies to do. Don’t you think it might behoove you to just suck it up and be supportive. Either that or just shut your damn mouth.
I’m giving both of you a ten year sentence for that remark. If they can’t find anyone else to recast as Bella (yes, I’d be fine with that) then I’ll let you out on Twilight-arrest to make the movie. As soon as the cameras stop rolling you are back in the slammer so both you and your father won’t be allowed to do any more interviews.
7. Lindsay Lohan-Your crimes are really adding up- Another topless photo shoot, your scary skinny status, and that stupid “sshhh” tattoo. I’m getting ready to lock you up and throw away the key.
Actually, I may have to rethink my whole policy on torture if you keep it up. Consider yourself on notice, Lohan.
8. Pamela Anderson- You were already on my most wanted list after you forgot to wear pants to an art show.
I was willing to forgive that little faux pas. I mean who hasn’t forgotten their pants from time to time. It happens to the best of us.
Then there was the whole fashion week incident and I feel like enough is enough already. Your fate is now decided. It is the slammer for you and your glittery butt. Sentence-five years.
9. Val Kilmer-Honestly I was never really that big of a fan to begin with, but I know many of my readers thought you were hot. So, when you go from this
to this
to THIS
I think it is time for an intervention. This is a downward spiral that needs to be stopped and it needs to be stopped right now. I’m sorry Iceman, but this is for your own good. Sentence-two years.
10. People who are remaking the movie “Clue”. All of you deserve to rot. Why can’t Hollywood leave a good thing alone? Your sentence is indefinite.
11. Katie Holmes- I know a lot of you will blast me for this one, but it has to be done. Katie, I loved you on Dawson’s Creek. I genuinely want to love you now, but I just don’t understand why you insist on trying to make new fashion trends happen that are downright hideous.
Rolled jeans? Really?
Blue shoes with a red dress? Nice try, but I don’t think so.
And your most recent offense:
Your crimes of fashion can no long go unpunished. I think a few months in my jail will really do you some good.
12. Octomom (Along with her fertility doctor for knocking her up and Dr. Phil for putting her on his show)-I’m sending you all to jail until the babies are all over the age of eighteen.
You can share a cell with Brad and Angelina and work out all your issues.
13. Your choice. Who would you like to send to jail?
Do you agree or disagree with any of my choices? Feel free to leave me a comment and let me know.
For more Thursday Thirteen, click here.
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42 Responses to “13 Celebrities That I Would Send To Jail”
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lmao loved this. You know I love Katie Holmes but I too must draw the line at those hideous blue shoes. Yikes. But maybe some community service would be sufficient? Everyone else I’m pretty much in agreement on, as long as JNatalie and Katie both have relatively short sentences, because their crimes are really nothing compared to the others.
As for unlucky number 13? I really think Christian Bale’s midlife crisis has gone on long enough. Some time in Celebrity Jail might do him well.
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I’m in total agreement on ALL accounts and would add Christian Bale and Jaquin (sp) Phoenix to the list as well.
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Wait, not Christian Bale – pardon my brain fart of the century, I meant Joaquin Phoenix… Weird mistake, I know…
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I used to like Kristen Stewart until I read that quote. Now she just annoys me.
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Paris Hilton, also for canoodling with Rob after the Oscars. Ugh! Sentence – 20 years or until she looks like Lisa Rinna.
What the heck happened to Val Kilmer? That’s just sad.
Totally agree with Brangelina, Pam Anderson, Chris Brown and Octomom.
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There are so many I would send to jail……great list!
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I love all of those- I would add Kristen Johnston who has become alarmingly small and claimed that she “didn’t realize she had lost 60lbs!!!” and she looked perfectly normal for a 6ft tall woman!
Next Courney Love- does that need an explanation?
Andy Dick- I loved him in News Radio, but admit he has become a wasted flaming freak- but on Celebrirty Sober house, he is ‘acting’ too much- just get better dude, and leave the acting to Leo!!!
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You did an awesome job, I agree with you on all of these counts!
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ok… Lisa??? She looks almost indecipherable…. yuck.
And KS. Seriously… Although I addictively keep watching Twilight, over all it’s film quality SUCKS!!!! everything from make up to, most atrociously- HER… WHAT A SNOT.
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Loved this post – hilarious! I agree on ALL counts!!
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These are all spot on! Great post. Happy T13!
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Ummm…is Katie Holmes wearing Hammer Pants????
I agree with all of the above!
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I am dying here! OMG I shouldn’t have read this at work. This was hysterical. Val Kilmer…OMG was he wearing a badazzled THONG? He is out of control.
Natalie Portman….I’m so shocked! She is hoochin’ all over the place isn’t she. I so agree with Katie Holmes….what is wrong with her? She has been warped by Scientology…she needs to run fast.
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Jen and Auds–I contemplated putting Joaquin in the jail but he still holds a soft spot in my heart. Plus, I’m interested to see where he goes from that Letterman interview. His next move will determine his fate.
FormerCityGirl and Misty- I despise Kristen Stewart now. Every time I see her smug face I just want to throw up. I swear if she messes up New Moon or any of the other movies in the saga, she is immediately going to death row.
Annie-I didn’t here about Paris canoodling with Rob. Please tell me he has enough sense to stay away from her. PLEASE!!
Tena–Andy Dick is on the Sober House?? Why am I not watching this? Going to set the tivo right now.
Jenn(ifer)–Totally cracking up at the hoochin’ comment. That’s a funny way to put it.
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Lisa Rinna scared me. i don’t even know who she is, but she’s scary.
Was that really Val Kilmer? Really?
Katie Holmes and Lindsay Lohan? Bleeargh.
I posted a TT too. Please feel free to visit, and enter my Fame giveaway while you’re there. Thanks.
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I agree on some of them, some I don’t even know.
But where the hell is Paris Hilton and that other skinny bitch girlfriend of hers (I don’t even know her name)? If anybody deserves to be locked up, those two would top my list.
And, really, the only thing you object to in Katie Holmes is her atrocious fashion sense? In my opinion she belongs behind bars for marrying the king of the weirdos and allowing him to procreate. *yuck*
Oh yeah, and I second the Joaquin Phoenix suggestion. 10 years, at least. High security, isolation cell with padded walls.
The neighbouring one could go to Stephenie Meyer. and, please, somebody throw away the key and don’t give her anything to write with.
Kristen Stewart: do I understand you correctly that she isn’t proud of her own involvement with the Twilight franchise? Huh, I actually start to like the girl.
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Great list! I just can’t imagine what happened to Val Kilmer. Lack of work maybe?
I’m really disappointed in Kristen Stewart what b* to not want to be on the Oscars. She probably wasn’t even going to present an award but just be up there with Robert and promote the romances. Gah! Get a grip girl its the Oscars for pete’s sake.
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If you need any back up to lock up #4 or #8 I am here for you. I would love to never see them in the media again.
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I would personally lock up Vanessa Hudgens for life. For the horrendous thing she was wearing at the Oscars AND because in an interview on the red carpet, she referred to herself as a young Audrey Hepburn AND because even though she should never ever be on stage at the Oscars, she participated in the godawful Beyonce musical medley mess.
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I agree with all of these …. esp. Kristen Stewart & Chris Brown. And I would send Rhianna IF it is true that she is talking on the phone to Chris Brown every day and trying to work it out. That’s just dumb…not to mention it makes a really bad impression on teens, for girls to think it’s ok to let a guy do that, and for guys to think “It’s ok, she’ll take me back!”
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Wow! Super Duper list. The only one I feel should be added is Beyonce’s awful dress she wore to the oscars.
http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/dynamic/imgs/090223/Oscar-fashion/Beyonce-black-gold-dress_l.jpg
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This is hilarious! What’s wrong with people???
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Love this post… I just adore it!! I agree with EVERY one of your choices…. Natalie Portman is one lucky girl…. snuggling up to those guys! I would add Miley Cyrus…. just because I’m so sick of her and feel she’s not really a good role model for our kids…. I just wish more people would realize it!
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Awesome post! Although I think you should give Zack Effron some time for that greasy hair he sported at the Oscars. EEW.
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haha i totally agree with you on so many of these. octomommy drives me insane. and kristen stewart is ridiculous too, i mean be happy already lady!
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THAT’S Val Kilmer? What the blue blazes happened to him???
Add me to the Paris Hilton vote. I mean, you could have listed her ten times. More like 20. I mean, she’s BEEN in jail and should still go back.
Great pics! I had fun chuckling at Katie Holmes.
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I think Brangelina’s many combined good deeds excuse them get them out of jail now, Jen, now!!!!! (the rest are fine.
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So with you about Kristen Stewart. I mean, if the movie/plot/script is so bad, there’s no need to star in it. After you’ve taken your large pay check and are awaiting many more, you don’t really want to be badmouthing it all over the place. Ugh, she makes me sick.
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I totally agree with your list. And it was hilarious too. Katie Holmes looked like she was walking on stilts in the pic of her with the blue shoes and red dress. She stands almost a foot taller than Tom. They just don’t look good together.
And Lisa Rinna… what has happened to her? She used to be fairly cute.
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Celebrity jail… brilliant!
I’d like to see Paris Hilton locked away for an indefinite amount of time. Heck, throw away the key for all I care.
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This is my absolute favorite post of yours, Jen. Can we also please lock up Joaquin Phoenix? Thanks.
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The people remaking Clue. LIFETIME LOCKUP!!!!
The original Clue rocked and is one of my favorite movies of all time. How DARE YOU think it needs to be remade!!!!!!!!!!
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OMG, I agree with everyone you posted. Especially Kellie Pickler. What the heck has happened to that girl? And Lisa Rinna. She just needs to return to soaps. She seems so desparate and a little gross. Those lips!
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Agree with them all… especially Lisa Rinna. And Natalie Portman…. and Katie Holmes… and… well, everyone. I would add Paris Hilton, but I can’t decide who should come off so I could add her…. This is going to take some thinking!
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I concur. On all counts. This list was brilliant. lmao, love it!
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I agree with you, Wonderful. I totally enjoyed reading the entire list. I would also add Joaquin Phoenix. What’s up with him? And because my youngest sister has forced me to suffer thru watching “The Bachelor” and tonight is the finale, and I have heard Rumors, then lets sent Jason to Jail to. Thanks for the fun. I enjoyed it.
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I 2nd the motion for Beyonce. That mermaid/museum vase dress was enough. Just tell your mama “no”
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Those pictures of Val Kilmer are sad. I agree with most of them. Who would I send? Tom Renney (NYRangers ex-head coach) for not getting the team where they need to be this year. Lock him up until the Rangers win the Stanley Cup
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Too. Funny.
What is with all the scary eye-makeup???
And Val Kilmer? Really? I wouldn’t have recognized him if you hadn’t identified him.
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Holy moly…was that really Val Kilmer?
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So much to say…can’t find words… *dies*
Really though, I could rant about all of these but I’ll try and limit my comment to a small novel. The big ones:
Lisa Rinna and her lips SCARE ME.
Pam Anderson – no comment. None needed, actually.
Val, Val, Val. What happened? I loved you in Willow and The Saint, and you weren’t the WORST part of Batman Forever. What is the deal now? GAH.
They are remaking Clue? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Katie’s shoes are truly hideous.
And finally, I guess I have been trying to ignore Octomom and she truly does look somewhat like Angelina Jolie…YIKES.
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This post is flippin hilarious.
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