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35 Things I Haven’t Learned In My 35 Years

Today, I’m turning 35.

I’ve often seen lists that people write on their birthdays and I thought it might be fun to make one.  I started off attempting to write a “things I’ve learned” list but the more I thought I about it, the more I realized that I am still very much a work in progress.

I found it way easier to write this list instead.

The 35 Things I Haven’t Learned In My 35 Years on the Planet

1. How to whistle.

2.  How to give up Coke Zero for good.

3.  How to keep my house clean for longer than a day.

4.  How to stop procrastinating and get stuff done.

5.  How to talk my way out of getting a speeding ticket. (Once again, failed at this on Friday.)

6.  How to not sweat the small stuff (This one mostly pertains to my poor husband. Otherwise I know that it is all small stuff).

7.  How to make a ton of money doing what I love (and also figure out exactly what I love to do in the meantime).

8.  How to surf.  (Or better yet, how to get a really cute surfer boy to teach me how to surf.)

9.  How to put eyeliner on my upper lid without looking like a goth freak.

10.  How to fold a fitted sheet without it looking like it was folded by a gorilla.

11.  How to roll my “R”s so I can sound sexy when I’m doing a Spanish accent.  (Note:  First I should probably learn to do a sexy Spanish accent)

12.  How to get my husband to do his share of the housework without nagging.  Or this one could also be how to perform hypnosis on people when they are not aware of it.

13.  How to actually enjoy watching a football game so I could understand what everyone is screaming about on Sunday.

14.  How to play chess.

15.  How to correctly use a semi-colon;  I must have been too busy staring at that cute boy in English class when the teacher did that lesson.

16.  How to meditate without a. Falling asleep  b. Getting distracted  or c.  Having strange out of body experiences and visions that freak me the heck out.  (Yes, option c has happened to me a few times.)

17.  How to create and stick to a budget that doesn’t feel like it is sucking the life out of me.

18.  How to get my kids to stop whining and pick up their toys/clothes/underwear off the floor without being told.

19.  How to get over a devastating break-up.

Note:  It is scientifically possible to not be a part of the relationship and still be devastated by the break-up.

20.  How to get cat pee smell out of carpet.  (Or better yet, how to stop picking cats that have urinary tract issues.  Sigh.)

21.  How to be on time.

22.  How to solve a Rubick’s Cube. (Grrr…did you know these wretched things are still around.  My daughter got one for her 8th birthday.  I thought I would never have to face that cube nightmare again and here it is taunting me to solve it.)

23.  How to Carpe Diem more often.

24.  How to taste the flavors in wine because seriously when I read the label and it says vanilla, blackberry, oak, etc…I can’t for the life of me pick out any of it.  It all just tastes like wine to me, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it sure would be nice to have a more discerning palate.

25.  How to tango, waltz, salsa or any other form of dance with a partner.

27.  How to take control of my laundry pile so it isn’t always taking control over me.

28.  How to walk in heels without looking like I’m about to tip over at any given moment.

29.  How to play an instrument, carry a tune or do anything even remotely related to music.

30.  How to keep a houseplant alive.  (Seriously, I have no idea how my kids have lasted this long.)

31.  How to sew, knit, sculpt, paint, draw or do anything remotely art-related.

32.  How to stop spending so much money on travel.

33.  How to learn to love to exercise instead of avoiding it like the plague.

34.  How to get clear skin and keep it that way.  (Seriously, pimples!!  This is getting utterly ridiculous.  How are you still here invading my chin when there is some teenager’s face that is much more deserving of an attack?)

35.  How to drive a stick shift.

Well, clearly I still have a lot left to learn.  It looks like I have my work cut out for me.  My goal is to cut this list in half before I turn 40.

Or at the very least, learn to whistle.

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