An Open Letter to People Magazine
To Whom it May Concern,
Really, People? Really????
I can’t dispute Johnny’s sexiness, but it just seemed like a lazy choice to me.
It was as if you realized at the last minute that you hadn’t given any thought whatsoever to Sexiest Man Alive so you had to scramble to throw something together. Since you had a stack of photos leftover from JD’s last run as the winner you thought , “Hey, this works” and plastered his face on the cover.
I’m NOT impressed. Not one bit.
You can do better than this, People! And if you can’t, then I think you need to take a step back and really look in the mirror. With great power comes great responsibility and I don’t think you used yours wisely.
Wake up, People!! This is your most important issue of the year and if you are going to just go about it all half-assed then you should be ashamed of yourself.
After I finish writing this letter, I will be writing to my Congressmen to petition them to pass a new law that restricts the amount of terms that one hottie may hold as Sexiest Man Alive to one! Yes, I know that is a bit harsh, but I just think you need to set aside the Johnny Depps and George Clooneys of the world and make room for some new blood.
I think you know where I’m going with this.
If you need someone to help you with next year’s choice I am more than willing to take on the challenge. Of course, if given the position, I can already tell you the winner right now and save you all kinds of time and effort.
Honestly, you should consider putting Ryan’s beautiful face on all your covers from here on out. Look at those eyes! You can’t go wrong with those eyes.
With all due respect, get your act together, People! Your readers are depending on you!
Thanks for your consideration!
Sincerely,
A Very Disappointed Reader
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***Remember that post I wrote a few weeks ago about my encounter with the guys of Glee. Well, it turns out that they were actually doing the photoshoot for this SMA edition of People Magazine when I ran into them in Vegas. Here is the photo they used:
I squealed when I saw this last night because I was like ten feet away from them when they were shooting this!! So neat!
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A Pinch To Grow An Inch
Dear Ryan,
Thank you for making this lovely little video. It was the perfect birthday present!
Love,
Jen
PS The video was great and everything, but you can give me my real present on Friday when I see you at the Philly show.
PPS For the record, I have absolutely no idea what I mean when I say “real” present, but I trust that you already have something planned and I’m sure it will be spectacular!
PPPS I don’t want to sound ungrateful for all the hard work that you put into my birthday video. I just thought you should know that I’m more of a cat person than a dog person. Maybe you could file that info away for future video projects. The puppy was cute and all, but a trained cat popping balloons would have been the BEST BIRTHDAY VIDEO EVER!!
PPPPS I’ve been thinking. I know you are going to be really busy with your tour over the next couple of days so I am taking the liberty of coming up with a “real” present idea for you. I’m not sure if you’ve ever heard of this little custom called “birthday spanking”. It may be a completely foreign concept since you are Canadian, but in America we have a tradition of spanking a person for fun on his or her birthday. Here’s a visual in case you are still confused:
(Except that I hope you will look less like a deranged lunatic while giving me my spanks.)
Once you finish the spanking, you are supposed to end with a pinch to grow an inch or a kiss for good luck.
Ok, so I’m totally making that last part about the kiss up, but I’m hoping that you will keep it in there anyway.
An Open Letter To Jon Gosselin
Dear Jon,
I’m just putting it out there. I think that Kate should have sole custody of your kids until you GROW THE F*@K UP!!!
Are you kidding me??
You force Kate to call the police because she (the mother of your children) doesn’t want some skanky-shooter-girl-sorry-excuse-for-babysitter-ho-bag watching your beautiful children?
What the hell is wrong with you?!?!?!
You say that you have the best interest of your kids in mind but you know that isn’t the truth. The only interest you have is getting laid and being famous.
I have a better question for you, Jon. Why the hell do you even need a babysitter in the first place? Seriously! Why not just stay home and hang out with the kids and leave your partying and slutting around until Kate has them?
You disgust me, Gosselin! Just please, for the love of God, do us all a favor and take your Ed Hardy shirts, slutty girlfriends and just go away. Far away.
Thanks,
Jen
PS You should be ashamed of yourself!
For more letters, check out:
An Open Letter To The People Behind The Notebook Musical
Dear Producers of “The Notebook: The Musical“,
When the news broke this afternoon that you guys were planning to turn my favorite movie of all time into a musical I had a lot of mixed feelings.
My first thought was that it was some sort of joke.
Then when I figured out that you were serious about it, my reaction was absolute horror. You may have even heard my screams of protest. OH MY GOD, PLEASE NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! STOP IT! SHUT IT DOWN!!! HALT PRODUCTION IMMEDIATELY!!!
I think I speak for all the fans when I ask you why you would ever want to mess with perfection?
The thought of my beautiful Noah doing “jazz hands” or some other atrocious move just makes me shudder with fear.
My head is about to explode when I think about you turning “If You’re A Bird, I’m A Bird” into a song and dance number.
And then there is this pivotal scene.
The scene to end all scenes in the history of scenes.
How on earth can you possibly improve on this or even begin to replicate the romance of that beautiful moment? I’m just not sure where singing and dance moves are going to fit into this kind of passion.
Frankly, I just don’t understand the whole “bust into song at any moment” concept in any musical, but I really can’t see how it will work with this story.
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m not seeing your vision. Please feel free to enlighten me on how any good will come of this.
As you can tell, I’m not yet on board with this madness. At least not yet.
Maybe after the shock wears off, I may begin to warm up to the idea, but I’m not making any promises.
Sincerely,
A Devoted Notebook Fan
P.S. I’m assuming you already thought of this but just in case it didn’t cross your mind–how about contacting Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling to reprise their roles. I know the odds of this happening is about 6,823,389,824 to 1, but it never hurts to ask. I’m thinking that this is about the only thing that could save this and make it AMAZING!!
P.P.S. This video sums up all the reasons why I love The Notebook so much. Please watch it about a hundred times (like I have).
P. P. P. S. As skeptical as I may be about the prospect of this little project, I can already tell you I will be there opening night. Front row, center. With bells on.
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So, what do you think of The Notebook being turned into a musical? Would you want to go and see it?
Head over to Jenni’s place for more open letter fun:
For even more letters check out:
An Open Letter on Behalf of Michael Jackson
Dear C and D-List Celebrities Paying Tribute to Michael Jackson,
It has been about a week now and I think the window for dressing up in a signature MJ outfit to “memorialize” the King of Pop is now officially closed.
Ok, we get it. You are sad about him being dead and wanted to do your part to be media whores pay tribute.
But really, the end result is you looking pretty silly and embarrassing yourself in the process.
Yes, Fred Durst, I’m talking about you.
Oh Corey Feldman, you crack me up.
However, if you choose to proceed with your photo, please take the time to put on pants, remove the empty buckets of beer and the guy that looks like he is about to poop on the bed from the background of your tribute photo.
I think that is the least you can do for Michael. May he rest in peace.
Thanks,
Jen
PS. Heidi and Spencer, I am talking to you. Especially you.
If you like writing letters to people that will surely never read them, head over to Jenni’s blog at Jiggety Jigg to play along.
My Apology to Britney Spears
Dear Britney Spears,
I believe that I owe you an apology. Actually it is long overdue, but now that I have a blog I thought I’d put it out there in case you happen to read it.
First, a confession. Over the years, I have wished many terrible things upon you. Nothing to cause you any physical harm because I am not that evil (well actually maybe just once or twice when I was in a really bad mood, but let’s not go there). Anyway, I did have these thoughts toward you that I’m not proud of.
You came onto the scene wearing this outfit and made my very much grown man of a husband (then my boyfriend) lust after your 16 year old self. For that, I immediately hated you.
At the same time, I was also a teacher in a Catholic elementary school classroom. Let me tell you, seeing those sweet, innocent ten year old girls worship and emulate your trashy behavior was heart-breaking to say the least.
As you got more and more famous, you started dressing less and less. Of course you looked great and I wished that my body was as hot as yours, but I was too busy making babies, birthing babies and nursing babies to be able to compete with your toned abs and perky boobs.
You continued to take your sleaziness to another level with this:
And who can forget this:
Well, you get my point.
My hatred was in full force when I watched your show Chaotic. Now, I know what you are thinking. If I disliked you so much then why did I watch it? Well, that show had trainwreck written all over it and I couldn’t help it–I had to see it all unfold.
And you did not disappoint. It turns out you aren’t the sharpest tool in the shed. Oh that made my year. I wished there would be more of this absurdity.
I felt like I hit the jackpot when you got married, had some babies and started acting really stupid.
First there was this:
Then this:
Then you went totally nuts showing your girly parts to all the world and shaving off all your hair.
You finally reached your breaking point with this little incident:
And you know what? I stopped hating you. I began to truly feel sorry for you.
So, I offer this letter to you as my apology for wishing any of these terrible things on you. I believe in the power of The Secret and I hope that none of my negativity toward you caused your breakdown.
I really do hope you get your act together and make a real comeback. I just beg of you to please try to be a little more classy. For example, see last year’s comeback attempt.
Yeah, that wasn’t good. Do the opposite of that. Show a little less skin and just perform. Is that so much to ask for?
Good luck at this year’s VMAs. I really do hope it goes better for you.
Sincerely,
Jen
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