Canceling All Curses Of Obesity With The Blood of Jesus
Sometimes I think about shutting down my blog. And by sometimes, I really do mean just about every day. Or at least every day I have raging PMS. Which is right about…um…NOW!!!!
I sat here today with absolutely NOTHING to blog about. So of course the natural first inclination is to just delete the whole thing. Yes, I tend to over-react a bit during this stage of my cycle in case you were wondering. My husband just loves this about me.
Anyway, just as I’m about to push the delete button on the whole kit and kaboodle there is always something that happens that makes me change my mind.
It could be a really nice comment that makes me smile.
Or maybe a new Ryan Gosling story or photo that I just HAVE to blog about.
Today it was a visit over to Google analytics. If you ever need some cheap (i.e. free) entertainment, start a blog and then every once in awhile go over and check out the searches that bring people to it.
Not only is it very amusing, but it will also assure you that there are way more freakier people in the world than you.
Take a look at a few of the searches that led people here:
big ass in bikini Sorry but my big ass will not be getting into a bikini anytime soon
secrets to a clean house You won’t find them here
10 ways to publicly humiliate your wife Really, dude?
how big is john mayer’s head I don’t think it is that big but if you ask my friend Kate she would say GINORMOUS!
- Looks perfect to me!
i hate eye candy Click away from the blog. You have landed on the wrong website. Then go see a doctor because I think there is something wrong with you.
i hate exercise You are in the right place! Let’s start a club. We can make posters and t-shirts and chant “i hate exercise” at our meetings.
making pig mash for kids Ew. Um, listen…how about trying allrecipes.com for some less disgusting recipes. Your kids will thank you.
man housework role reversal training I don’t know what this is but I want to know more. Note to self: Google this later.
matt damon underwear laundry Are we talking about Matt Damon doing my laundry in his underwear or adding Matt Damon’s underwear to my laundry. I’d prefer the first option if we get to vote.
sex in a mishmash of weirdness and color Sounds fascinating…tell me more.
These were interesting and somewhat amusing but this…I have no words. It just totally blew me away:
Canceling All Curses Of Obesity With The Blood of Jesus
So, thank you crazy freak for visiting the Daily Mish Mash. Your crazy search makes me want to blog for another day. I hope that you found your blood of Jesus and you were able to cancel all curses of obesity.
A question to my fellow bloggers: How often do you get a case of the blogging blahs? Do you ever think about stopping? What keeps you going?
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Good Moms, Bad Moms and Everything In Between
It is Mother’s Day and I’m sitting around being lazy while watching my husband cook, straighten up, fold laundry and discipline the kids. It is absolutely HEAVENLY!!!
The best part is the kids are behaving at their absolute worst. There is screaming, fighting and temper tantrums galore. I am loving every minute of not having to get involved.
I’m not sure why Mother’s Day means making my husband’s life miserable, but for whatever reason the two always seem to go together like peas and carrots.
While I’m not the best mom in the world, I at least find solace in knowing that I’m not the worst.
How do I know that I’m not the worst?
Because The Internet tells me so.
Let’s take a look at the biggest FAIL Moms of All-Time:
The Mom That Let’s Her Baby Attend a Bachelor Party:
The Mom That Let’s Her Kids Play With a Whole Raw Chicken:
The Mom That Named Her Kid Adolf Hitler:
Octomom:
Stripper Moms (or wannabe stripper moms):
Twilight Moms Who Ask Edward to Bite Their Babies:
(Note: I would totally do this.)
Motorcycle Mom:
So, thanks to the internet (and especially this new gem of a site I found), I’m feeling a whole lot better about my maternal shortcomings today.
Happy Mother’s Day!!
Swear On Bono’s Life
So, my husband isn’t a complete believer in The Secret. However, he has seen it work for me, so he thinks I have some kind of special power in wrangling the Universe.
Which of course I don’t, because if I did I would be a billionaire by now. Isn’t that the whole point of The Secret in the first place?
Anyway, he came to me yesterday and pleaded with me to use my powers to help him win something. Apparently, he called into a radio station to answer a trivia question about U2 (which of course he knew because Brad is to U2 as Jen is to Twilight/Ryan Gosling in terms of obsessions) and now he is a finalist in a contest they are having.
If his name is picked he will win a trip for two to Boston to see them perform an intimate concert.
Now a loving wife would say, “Of course I will use my powers to help you win.”
Instead we have the following conversation:
Me: If you win, who are you planning to take?
Him: You, of course.
Me: Are you just saying that so that I will help you win?
Him: Of course not. We love Boston. I want you to go with me.
Me: Do you promise that you will take me if you win. You have to swear on your mother’s life. No, better yet you have to swear on Bono’s life that you will take me.
Him: (Sighing) Yes, I swear.
Me: Ok, I will use my powers to help you win the tickets.
So all day today I’ve been trying to imagine myself in Boston and at the concert. One thing leads to another and visions of me getting pulled up on stage and Bono singing a song to me have been dancing in my head all day. Then I can’t help but picture us all out at a pub after the show drinking some Guiness or whatever Irish beer he likes. He tells me he reads my blog and thinks I would be a great asset at his organization to end global poverty. He wants me to join him in meeting with the Pope and President Obama first thing in the morning.
Or something like that. I figure if you are going to dream, why not dream big?!
The winner is announced tomorrow so please try to work your Secret mojo and send positive thoughts our way. I’ll update my post with the results.
While we are on the subject of my husband, I thought I’d share this funny non-U2 related story with you.
He just got back from taking the laptop to Best Buy to see if we can get a new battery. Luckily it is still under warranty and so he just needed to bring the laptop to the Geek Squad so they could take a look at it and verify that it is, in fact, dead.
So, he puts the laptop up on the counter, and just as it is booting up he realizes what the Geek Squad guy is about to see.
He has only a few seconds to utter these words, “Don’t judge me. It’s my wife’s computer. ”
Oops, my bad. I guess I was having way too much fun blowing kisses to Rob Pattinson at the Oscars that I forgot to change it to something else. Can you blame me?
As soon as he got home I changed it.
Aaahhhh…much better.
Facebook: Love it or Hate it?
I have a tumultuous relationship with Facebook. One minute I am screaming its praises from the rooftops and telling everyone that I know that they just HAVE TO SIGN UP RIGHT NOW!! The very next minute you might find me cursing its existence under my breath and being inches away from pressing delete on my entire account.
Facebook can be a lot of fun, but it can be a huge pain in the ass too. It is especially irksome when a character from your past that you would much prefer remained in your past shows up in your inbox with a friend request. What do you do?
I mean, I don’t want to be rude. I’m a nice person at heart (really I am) but there is just only so much drama that I can allow into my life. And if I do accept their “friendship” do I put them into a little group called “people I really wish hadn’t contacted me on here but I was too nice to ignore”.
Then there is the whole old boyfriend issue. I refuse to friend them. I’m talking about the ones you haven’t seen or spoken to in years. All of sudden, you see their stupid face show up on your sidebar as a person “you may know”. I have seen through the eyes of my close friends that it can stir up old feelings that don’t need to be remembered. Ever. These people are exes for a reason. They didn’t make the final cut. So why should they be allowed back in now? What is the point?
(VERY IMPORTANT SIDENOTE: While we are on the subject of ignoring friend requests, I want to clarify to anyone reading this that may have sent me a request to my personal account that went unconfirmed. It has nothing to do with you–I swear. The people that I am referring to above are real life annoyances, not my wonderful imaginary friends inside the computer. You all are wonderful. I definitely want to be your friend. I just don’t want anyone to know about you. That is why I set up a separate account for my blog. The reason I did this was that most people in my life do not know about this blog. It is my dirty little secret and I want it kept that way. If I know that some random Joe Schmo from high school was reading it, then I would feel like I had to censor everything I wrote. Everyone who reads this knows that I’m a little strange and have no life, but I want the high school people to think otherwise. I hope you understand.
So if you sent me a request to my personal account and I ignored it, please don’t think I am being rude. I would love to be friends with you. Just send me a request to my Daily Mish Mash account.)
I won’t even get started with the whole being tagged in photos nonsense. It is wrong on so many levels that the person being tagged doesn’t get to approve their photo being shown to the world. Where is the reasoning in this? The same thing goes for writing on the wall. And can someone please tell me what the heck it means to poke someone? I am still trying to figure that one out. Why would anyone want to be poked?
See what I mean? Facebook is very complicated and definitely has its pros and cons. I think this video (thanks to Jen for posting it on her blog) pretty much sums it up:
What is your relationship with Facebook? Love it or hate it? Have you ever gotten a friend request from someone you wish you hadn’t? Do you “friend” old boyfriends?
Thanksgiving Laughs
One of the things I am most thankful for is the random funny things my kids do. Take for example, this very sweet poem my daughter brought home from school:
Isn’t that just darling?
I just saw on the news that not all turkeys go in ovens. President Bush did the traditional “Turkey Pardoning” yesterday in the Rose Garden. The two lucky birds were named “Pumpkin” and “Pecan”.
As I was looking for photos from the event, I came across this one. I think this photo was from 2006 or 2007 but it was too funny not to post:
If you ever wondered to yourself where the pardoned turkeys go after they’ve been pardoned, this classic little gem from The Daily Show that you may or may not have seen explains it all. Enjoy and have a great day!!
13 Really Strange Halloween Costumes For Babies
A few weeks ago, I was singing the praises of Halloween. Now I’m cursing its very existence.
Where did it all go wrong you may be wondering?
Well, I blame my kids. They are ruining Halloween for me. Ruining it, I tell you!
It seems the difficulty with decision-making gene got passed down to them. They can’t seem to make up their minds on what costumes they would like to wear.
First, my daughter thought she wanted to be a panda. She’s been obsessed with pandas ever since she was a baby. We already had the mask and even though I can’t sew, I thought I could figure something out with black sweats and some white felt for the body. Maybe stuff some fabric filler to make her look chubby. I’m not very crafty, but I was excited about the prospect of turning her into a cute panda. Seems easy enough, right?
Wrong.
Out of nowhere, she has changed her mind about the panda costume. For whatever reason, she now wants to be a witch. What?!! Where did that even come from?
If my flip-flopping daughter wasn’t enough to drive me insane, then you have my completely clueless son. The boy seriously has no idea what he wants to be. He never does. Every year, we go through the same routine:
Me: What do you think you might want to be for Halloween?
Him: I don’t know.
Me: How about Mario from Super Mario Brothers? You love that game. That would be a fun costume.
Him: I don’t know, maybe.
Me: Since your sister wants to be a witch, what about a wizard? Like Harry Potter.
Him: I don’t know, maybe.
Me: What about a mummy. That seems like a fun costume.
Him: I don’t know, maybe.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Grrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!! Well, if you don’t decide soon, I’m going to decide for you and you know what?! If you don’t like it, then that is TOO BAD! Because I’m about to cancel Halloween. Yes, you heard me.
(I have about two minutes of patience in me before reaching my breaking point and busting out the ridiculous talk.)
This is totally stressing me out. They have off of school today and come Hell or high water, we will figure out this costume dilemma!!
I miss the baby/toddler days where I could choose a cute costume, stick it on them and call it a night. It was so easy.
Speaking of baby costumes, I stumbled across some really ”unique” costumes ideas. Take a look and feel free to add you own captions for your faves in the comments.
13 Really Strange Halloween Costumes For Babies
1. This is supposed to be a peanut, but I can see how it might be confused with something else starting with the letter “P”.
2. This baby’s face says it all. Gross!
3. What scares me most is the fact that there are actual parents who will dress their kids in these hats:
4. I wonder how many people tried hanging their car-tree babies from the rear-view mirror to get the “money shot”.
5. This kid is going to need a lot of therapy:
6. I think this is actually a great idea. Who needs a Swifter when you’ve got a baby mop?
7. I can’t decide if these next ones are really cute or really disturbing. You decide.
8. I like burgers. I like babies. I’m just not sure I like baby burgers.
9. How about a loaf of baby?
10. Let’s just skip Halloween and get right to Thanksgiving.
11. Is this next one even a costume?
12. Here we have two costumes that are just gross and have no redeeming cuteness to them whatsoever:
13. I’m a huge Twilight fan, but I even have to draw the line at vampire babies.
Speaking of Twilight, supposedly they are releasing a new trailer today. I’ll post it when I find it.
What are your kids going to be for Halloween? Which strange baby costume is your favorite?
To see more Thursday Thirteen, go here.
Matt Damon’s Worst Nightmare
Remember a few weeks ago when Matt Damon voiced his concerns about Sarah Palin? He said her nomination for vice president was like “a really bad Disney movie.”
Well, someone took the bait and made this video. I think even Palin supporters will be able to see the humor in this. It is pretty funny, but it would have been so much better with Tina Fey in the Palin role.
Enjoy:
Thanks to Jen for passing this little gem along to me.
Spam is Funny
One of my favorite things about having a blog is reading the comments people leave me. I read each comment that comes in and look forward to seeing what you have to say about my posts. Luckily, I’ve only gotten one really negative comment and it was from someone who was defending Fergie and misspelled the word “the”. I’m not kidding. How do you misspell that word?
When I go into my dashboard and see that I have a bunch of new comments, I get so excited. Then I click the comments page and realize that most of them are just a bunch of spam. No, I do not want to enlarge my penis or need any stock tips.
I have tried but haven’t been able to figure out how to get my spam blocker program to work. I swear Wordpress hates me. Or is evil. I can’t decide.
Anyway, I have to go through each and every comment because I wouldn’t want to delete it just because I saw some naughty words. You never know. It could be Ryan Gosling sending me a really juicy love note, or better yet, an invitation to his wedding (It could happen).
Most of the time I can tell that it isn’t Ryan because the name of the commenter is some gibberish like otiflz or a pqfpwu or bzwaolbqpmql. Why do spammers have such odd names?
One day when I was feeling extra lonely for new comments, I decided to actually read over one of the spam emails just to see what they were trying to sell me. I’m so glad I did this because I came across one that was actually quite humorous.
The spammer was kind enough to send me a list of Top Internet Searches for P0rn (I am spelling it with a #0 instead of a “o” because I don’t want any perverts unwanted visitors coming to my blog for p0rn.)
Just in case you were wondering, here are some of the really odd things people search for:
p0rn with Puff the Magic Dragon (This is just wrong on so many levels. What’s next? Barney?)
New Zealand p0rn (Wow! This is so geographically specific. Why not New Mexico?)
dvd p0rn sale ( This person must be on a budget.)
peach p0rn galleries (What’s wrong with the apple or the pear? )
Bette Midler p0rn (Did you know she made those kind of movies? )
Disney fake p0rn ( I prefer the real stuff myself. )
Wonder Woman cartoon p0rn ( Enough with the cartoons. )
pregnant maid p0rn ( Why does the maid have to be pregnant? I just don’t understand this. )
natural hairy women p0rn ( Can you be unnaturally hairy? )
panda free p0rn ( Yes, I prefer my p0r n without pandas too. )
p0rn notebook ( Now we’re talking. )
secret indian p0rn ( That sounds intriguing. )
Keira Nightly p0rn ( I think you need to spell her name right first. )
band geek p0rn ( Why? )
Croc Hunter p0rn ( Let the poor guy rest in peace. )
would women date a p0rn star ( My answer–No!!! )
world’s longest nipples p0rn ( I’m not making this stuff up. I wish I was but I’m not.)
free colin farrell p0rn download (Here’s one for you, Meg.)
free minute p0rn movies (I guess this person was in a hurry.)
mailing p0rn to Texas ( Does he have a p0rn penpal there? )
There were many more on the list. It was long (and very disgusting for the most part). Two things I learned from this post:
1. We live amongst freaks, I tell you. Freaks.
2. Spam is funny if you take the time to really read it.
That’s How We Roll
We took yet another trip this weekend. Before I share a few pictures from this getaway, I’d like to let you in on a little secret.
On the outside this may look like a child size rolling suitcase:
Up until a few days ago this Teletubbies (whatever happened to those freaks anyway?) bag acted as something much more important.
If you guessed pillow carrier, you’d be wrong.
Allow me to introduce you to our Hooptie, otherwise known as the laptop case:
This stylish, ultra-padded carrier transported our laptop safely through two trips to the beach, one trip to Virginia and a weekend at the lake.
I guess other people didn’t appreciate or see the ingenuity of our Hooptie Carrier, because lo and behold, this much more boring sleek and compact laptop case made its way into our lives a few days ago via a freebie from my friend’s husband’s work.
While I’m appreciative of any gift that I receive, I have to admit that I will miss the Hooptie.
We had a good ride, but our time together has sadly come to an end. I’ll always remember the good times and all the laughs I had every time I used you. RIP Hooptee, RIP.
Now, here are a few pictures from our trip to the beach this weekend taken with my very fancy cheap Kodak Easy Share camera, so don’t expect too much greatness in the way of the photography:
This one is a shot I got of my eight year old son body surfing. He has really gotten into it this summer. I like watching him but get a little freaked out when he gets completely engulfed by a wave like this one:
It wouldn’t be a vacation post on my blog without some damn birds. Here is a seagull and what I thought were her babies. I was later told that the little ones were actually just sandpiper birds and not her babies. This fact makes the picture much less cute, but I’m still showing it. Just pretend that they are babies.
We discovered a little beach bar that does 2 for 1 drinks at Happy Hour. I couldn’t resist taking this picture. Yes, I photograph my alcoholic beverages. Do you have a problem with that?
How was your weekend? What did you do?
A Whole Lot of Random
This post is really going to live up to my blog name of mish mash. I just have all these random thoughts floating around in my head that aren’t really worthy of an entire post, so I’m throwing them all together here. Please don’t look for any purpose or cohesive theme, because you will find none.
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I was unloading the dishwasher when my daughter walked through the kitchen. She slipped on a little bit of the water that had dripped off a bowl I had just taken out.
After she regained her composure, she looks at me with a flabberghasted expression and sighed loudly.
Then she proceeds to say to me in her most agitated voice, “Mom, you really need write up a wet floor sign and post it when you have the time.”
I don’t know why but this just struck me as funny. I guess I pictured myself getting out the markers and construction paper and drawing that funny looking guy in the triangle. Sure, I’ll pencil it in right after folding the laundry, cooking dinner and the myriad of other endless tasks I have on my to-do list.
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You know I didn’t really think that much of the Miley Cyrus bare back pictures when everyone was making such a fuss about them. Yes, they were a bit unnecessarily sexy for her age, but nothing too shocking.
At the time, everyone was blaming the photographer for taking advantage of a young, innocent girl.
Well, I wonder if people are still singing the same tune after seeing the latest provocative pictures .(Note: Not the one to the right. I refuse to post such filth on my blog. The only wet t-shirt pictures that you will see here will be of guys on Friday Eye Candy–never, ever Disney teen stars turned tramps. Why? Because it is my blog and I make all the rules, so there!)
We always hear how mortified and shocked she is when her private photos are hacked and making their rounds online, but I just can’t feel that sorry for her. Stop taking them or if you did it in the past and are regretful, then just DELETE all traces of them. I mean I’m almost wondering if this is some sort of crazy publicity stunt. If so, HELLO?? Did you not see what happened to Britney Spears??!! Taking your clothes off is not the answer, Miley. Show some class and cover up.
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Last night for dinner we had pork chops, beans, noodles and apple sauce.
I love this meal for one main reason. I get to tell my kids and husband that we are having “Pork Chopppss and Aaaaple shauce (in my best Peter Brady/Bogart voice).
It was the highlight of my day if that tells you anything.
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Do you think it is really possible to be possessed by a demon? I found myself wondering this yesterday a few times after watching my son and his hellish behavior. I think we need to move on from time outs to getting a priest over here to do an exorcism if things don’t improve. (I was going to post a picture of that girl from The Exorcist, but she is surprisingly scary if you actually look at her closely. I thought I’d spare you the trauma.)
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Did anyone see the homerun derby? Grady Sizemore and Chase Utley were in it and looking fine. Very fine, indeed. They didn’t win though. 
While we are on the subject of my cute baseball player list, I got a few comments that the Nick Markakis picture I posted really didn’t do him justice. Natalie (no link/no website) was kind enough to email me a few more to share with you. There were many but I think this was my favorite:
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My Tivo didn’t record Big Brother for us on Sunday when we were at the concert. We forgot to set it to record the new season but were hoping that it would be smart enough to know that we always watch Big Brother.
Either Tivo isn’t as smart as I give Him credit to be or else He is trying to send me a message that I shouldn’t bother with it this year.
Every summer since it first premiered we have wasted countless hours on this completely mind-numbing and useless show. Sure, it has provided a few entertaining moments (especially the seasons with Dr. Will Kirby) but for the most part I think I’m outgrowing this midsummer tradition.
Did anyone watch on Sunday? Should I tune in or should I leave my fate in the hands of the almighty Tivo?
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Speaking of wasting time on things, I don’t have a lot of praise for The Thirteenth Tale. It got a lot of great reviews, but I just couldn’t seem to get into the story or the characters.
The story had a lot to do with twins and the “twin bond”. Since I’m not a twin I just felt like I couldn’t get the connection the author kept referring to over and over and over again.
I only continued to push through because my book club loved it so much. Well, now I’m not only annoyed with the book, but also my book club for recommending it so highly.
This book has been compared to Jane Eyre and it was mentioned many times in the book, so my book club thought we should read this one next. I’m currently on page 80 and already enjoying it far more than The Thirteenth Tale, so I am hopeful that it will be a better read. I’m guessing it will be since it is a classic and all, but now I’m skeptical.
Has anyone read either of these books? What did you think of them?
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Speaking of twins, what do you think of the names that Brangelina (that was for you Non-Soccer Mom) gave to their new twins?
Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline
I still haven’t made up my mind about them. What’s a Knox? Why must celebrity parents give their children such odd names. I think Angelina has a thing with the letter “x”. First Maddox, then Pax and now Knox. I just see that getting confusing since they all kind of sound the same.
I don’t know about you but I just can’t wait to see the whole brood trying to get from here to there. I know there will be nannies and bodyguards and arms full of babies. It will be such a fun spectacle to see!
That’s it for now. Was that enough random for you for one day? Do you believe I went a whole post without mentioning Ryan Gosling? Oops, I guess I didn’t really. Oh well.
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