An Open Letter to John Mayer Part 3

Dear John Mayer,

I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but I’m breaking up with you.

I think you are a really great guy–talented, charming, funny, sexy.  It is just that you did something that I am finding really hard to get over.

It wasn’t the fact that I read an article in US Weekly that said that you liked having kinky sex with your girlfriends and telling everyone about it.

I can forgive you for that. (Truth be told, I was only slightly turned on disturbed by this.)

It wasn’t that you may or may not have been caught in a hot tub with 4 girls in Cabo after Jennifer Aniston may or may not have broken up with you because you may or may not have cheated on her with a fan.

I can forgive you for that since I appreciate entertainers who are friendly with their fans.

It wasn’t even that the article said the only reason you dated Jennifer in the first place was to see why Brad Pitt wouldn’t want her.

That is just plain mean, and didn’t sound like the man that writes such heartfelt love songs.  I would never believe any of these vicious lies.

There is just one thing that I just can’t get over.  The final straw that broke the camel’s back was when I saw the video of you talking about your breakup with Jennifer Aniston. 

I appreciate you trying to clear the air, but I just can’t get over the fact that you did this to your hair:

 

Why, John, why?  It just doesn’t make any sense.  You looked so hot with your boyish, retro 80’s cut.  Why mess with a good thing?

I stuck with you during your freakishly big hair days, because I figured it was just a phase you were going through.  Maybe you were just trying to look like your girlfriend at the time, Jessica Simpson:

You may not have gotten the memo, John, but only one of my pretend boyfriends has my permission to shave their head and that is him:

Ok, and maybe him (but only when he is playing the role of a sexy police cadet for a movie):

But you (and James McAvoy) are not allowed to do this.  Ever.

I can find it in my heart to forgive you for this indiscretion (and all the other stuff if in the off chance any of it is true) if you could do me one little, teeny, tiny favor.

You see, you are doing another one of those cruises.  You know, the one where you pulled this stunt:

And I would LOVE to go, but there is one little problem.  I spent the remainder of our vacation fund on last year’s trip to Disney World and my husband has put his foot down about taking anymore vacations until next summer. 

Since your Mayercraft Carrier departs in March, that presents a bit of a problem.

So, I am once again petitioning you (and the Universe).  If you could find it in your heart to give away one empty stateroom (preferably next to yours), I would love to accompany you on this little voyage. 

Ok, and my husband would of course have to come too, but these are just minor details.

Thank you for your time and feel free to email me about the cruise.

Jen (Last Name is not Aniston)

August 19, 2008 | Filed Under Boy Crazy Forever, I'm A Complainer | 18 Comments